Viva la Denglisch!

Professor Walter Krämer, his German Language Society, and "the Majority of Germans" are "annoyed" with Denglisch, "the superfluous use of English junk,"which they see as "contempt for their language." Some Denglisch is worse than others, though, according to the professor.

"Our society, which has 35,000 members, is not against foreign words being used in German - even English ones. We have no objection to using fair, interview, trainer, doping, and slang. 

"We do not hate foreign words. Most of our board members speak foreign languages and two of our members probably speak better English than any American. One was a pilot for a US airline."

However,

"We have a problem with words such as event, highlight, shooting star, outfit which are used to glorify the everyday and the banal. This drivel shuts off many Germans, who do not know these English words from their own language.  

"I am often asked for a statement on a certain subject. I tell those who ask that I do not give statements. If they asked me using a German word it would be a different matter. I will give an Aussage."

I hope Professor Krämer and his cohorts have developed a smart phone (or should it be, Klugtelefon?) app that clearly delineates the approved English words from dirty, dirty Denglisch so the next time some German office manager says "livestream," her employees will know whether they must scowl with annoyance or smile with acceptance. Everyone, you'll want to make sure you get your point across, so be sure to practice your scowl. (Ok, now scowl! Yes, that's it!) 

In the meantime, I have started the perfect grassroots organization to fight scowl with scowl: The Society for the Advancement of Denglisch (SAD). 

Yes, now Denglisch has its own society, with the motto: "why confuse yourself with thirty different words when highlight covers it?" Yes, the Society for the Advancement of Denglisch has 35,001 members (just sayin'), from business colleges, marketing departments, and private television stations all over Germany. We always meet at the the McDonald's in the train stations of major metropolitan centers all over Germany. Every week, we hold Denglisch lectures on such topics as "Hollywood's Role in Shaping German Culture," "Improve Your Local Economy with Starbucks," "Why Is It that Everyone Here Loves Cowboy Films?" and, my favorite, "Denglisch: The Only Way to Impress International Elites." 

A major project we SAD-folks are working on is the next official round of German words to Anglicanize. Here's some of the words on the dock:

1. Kindergarten - I mean sure, we used to even say Kingergarten back in the states, but that was before we came up with PLAYSCHOOL! I mean, how cool of a word is playschool! Soon, German politicians will fret about whether or not there's enough playschoolplätze for everyone age 3 - 6. 
2. Fußball - the word football is already taken to mean American football, so the only option left is to call Fußball by its proper name: soccer. 
3. zurück - do you really need all those syllables and consonants when you can just say back?
4. Glück - The land of thinkers and poets, huh? Well any armchair thinker or poet knows there's a difference between happiness and luck. Yet they have one word for the both! It's confusing. Replace Glück with luck or happiness, as appropriate. 
5. der, die, das, den, dem, des - Please replace with the word the. You know the reason. 

We SAD folks are already excited to see the new changes take effect! And we'll keep scowling until know German sentence, no matter where they place their verbs, isn't seasoned with a beautiful Anglicanism.

Oooo, now scowl again. Yes! That's it! 

These Jets Are Lagged

"I used to be better at jet lag." I've been saying this to anyone who asks about my Christmas holiday in Florida. I've rocked back and forth between the US and Germany since university, and it's true. I could handle it. I could handle it better than most of my peers. I remember how on one summer trip to Germany, so many of my pitiful cohorts slouched like war refugees on Deutsche Bahn while I stoically willed wakefulness and sleep at their proper time upon my compliant body. Several days later, I was chipper as a springtime squirrel while others were still falling asleep before dessert.

Not anymore. I can will nothing. Instead my hands, feet, and head are tethered to a timezone six hours away, watching football, avoiding public transportation, and eating large, fatty meals just before bed. The sun, wintery and distant as it is now, has no effect on me. It sits on the horizon, I sit in my living room, and we ignore each other like bored roommates. I sleep at my body's command. This could be mid-sentence in a conversation with my mother-in-law, or while chewing a piece of toast, or while typing something up so that my head hits the keyboard like this: 8iuy65rfd

What changed? Well, two things.

First, my body is aging. Now, whenever I say this, anyone older than me points out that I ain't seen nothin' yet. And that's true. I'm not old; I'm not even middle aged. I will be some day, Lord willing, but not yet. Nonetheless, I'm no longer that cock-sure traveling college student. There are things I could do a decade ago that my aging body just won't play anymore:

Me: "I'm going to sleep in."
Aging body: "This is your 7:00 wake-up call!"
Me: "That chili-cheese dog looks delicious! I'm going to eat it."
Aging body: "Of course you are, you contemptuous glutton. And for the next few days, you're going to feel as if someone poured cement in your intestines."
Me: "I'm going to run ten kilometers!"
Aging body: "And your joints are going to HATE you."
Me: "I'll put some ice on it. It'll be fine!"
Aging body: "...in about three weeks."
Me: "Jet lag doesn't phase this traveler! I'm not going to fall asleep!
Aging body: "Zzzzzzzzz"

I hear it's only downhill from here.

But age isn't the only reason I'm suddenly a jet lag failure. After all, my dad beat jet lag well into middle age with the right combination of tablets, wine, and airline pasta (WARNING: Do not attempt without first consulting your physician - especially the airline pasta part). The other reason is, of course, a small child.

Yes, for the past four years I've been traveling with a carry-on that I can't stow in the overhead compartment. No traveling parents, no airplane sleep for you. You are there to feed, change, walk, and entertain the passenger capable of throwing herself into a temper tantrum somewhere over the Atlantic. And when you land, your schedule will not abide by actual sunshine, but by your little sunshine. And when you say, "we should go to sleep," she'll say "neither of us can sleep, so let's play princess ponies," and you will smile and neigh like playing princess ponies is what you've wanted to do every since you bought your plane tickets.

So, for the parents of young children, jet lag is not something to be willed away, but to be endured like recovery from surgery, slowly, until a week later, you notice yourself rising with the sun again.