As I placed her on her changing table to do what was necessary before bedtime, instead of her normal smiles, giggles and goos (which makes changing her diaper one of the surprising pleasures of new fatherhood), her eyes filled with adorably tragic tears, her expressive eyebrows wrinkled up into that same expression utter sadness she inherited from her mother, and she began to cry. She did not want to be put down. She cried while practicing her consonants.
I wanted her to stop. I wanted her to stop so she does not get riled up before bedtime, but I knew she was in a tired, painful, fresh-from-the-doctor-and-I-don't-want-to-talk-so-hold-me place. Tickling and singing, normally two tickets to a sure smile, did not work. So, I began imitating her "ba-ba-ma-ba-ma" crying. She laughed. She calmed down. She was ready for bed.
I am no expert on child psychology, so I cannot be sure what she was thinking. Maybe she simply thought I looked funny. But maybe, just maybe, in her own little baby way, she felt understood.
Terry Gross, the host of NPR's Fresh Air has a great quote on her Website. When talking about giving interviews, she says, "what puts people on guard isn't necessarily the fear of being 'found out.' It sometimes is just the fear of being misunderstood." It's true. Understand me, and there's very little I won't tell you.
When I know I am understood, I can better accept encouragement, criticism and honesty of all types. For better or worse, I can be found out, because my viewer knows how and why I got there.
Of course, in this "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" environment that our Lord asks us to spread, the onus is on me to understand - my friends, my colleagues, my family, even my enemies. Understanding paves the way for love, even when understanding, in this city of spin and goals, takes up valuable time to achieve. But, if I take the time to understand, I can do my part to see friction between myself and others polished and smoothed to the point of real relationship. I can even, at times, stem the flow of tears. And consonants.
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2 comments:
This was so well said. One thought I had, based upon a recent conversation I had with someone -- Sometimes people have such gaping blind spots that, to go to the lengths required to make sure they feel they are understood would actually require me to participate in their lie. So, for example, if someone is a brutally critical person, and they can't receive from me until I see them as a helpful person, then maybe I need to keep misunderstanding them, because I'm not going to play their game.
So I'm not sure how universal this is, though I think it's generally true.
Joshua - those are good thoughts. A few things. In the case that you mentioned, ultimately that person needs to understand something about himself (i.E. being overly-critical). Being able to honestly understand this person might be the key to bringing out his own self-awareness. There may be a difference between being understood and a person feeling understood, and hopefully, if that person is mature, than he will eventually be grateful for that correction. During times of difficulty, my father's mantra to me was "truth is your friend," and perhaps honest understanding will be painful-healing truth rather than relief-healing grace. As with most things, there is a grace/truth (and if that doesn't get you far, appropriate boundaries to not buy into anyones lies) factor at work.
One other thing that is someone related - being understood makes social interaction much more fulfilling, but failing to be understood does not exonerate us from other social obligations or goals. i.E. if I don't get along with a teammate because we don't understand each other, that does not exonerate me from doing my best to work well with him to fulfill the goals winning the tournament. Not being understood is rarely a reason to pack my toys and go home.
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