Seasonal Sensitivity for Our Atheist Friends

After watching Paul Rudnick explain how we get through the month of December without offending our Jewish friends, I began to reflect on another group of people who must feel isolated by all the blatant displays of religiosity: atheists. I read essays, articles and ad campaigns from various non-believers, and they all have one thing in common - they are ornery. I'd be ornery too if I had to suppress all these feelings of transcendence, thankfulness and hope and insist that I'm fine. Really. "Stop worrying and enjoy your life." I saw linked to Harpers a book by the usual suspects with some entertainers thrown in on essays to help them survive Christmas time. I'm looking forward to the Family Atheist Bookstore chain (perhaps with kitschy statues of Charles Darwin letting the little children come to him), but as our Atheist friends are surrounded by all this faith inspired hope and good cheer, perhaps we can help them feel more comfortable.

First, away with Happy Holidays. This is appropriate for inter-faith gatherings, but now that the atheists are out of the closet, it will not do. Holiday literally mean "holy day." And to say that anything is holy is implying something or someone has the divine right to set anything aside as holy. (While we're add it, I haven't heard a good atheists reason why we should have Saturday and Sunday off. If we had enough Muslims in this country during the industrial revolution, we would have gotten Friday off to boot) The truly all-inclusive greeting is "seasons greetings." As far as I can tell, atheists do not deny seasons ("it's nothing but where the earth is positioned around the sun! Away with your quasi-religious sensibilities!"). Incidentally, we should stop referring to other days of the year where we stop working to celebrate something as holidays. Can a season be a day long? For example, on Martin Luther King day, we can say, "have a good MLK season!" Just don't mention that he was a reverend.

Whenever you invite an atheist to your house, remember to remove any decorative religious symbols. Your tree should be decorated with simple, non-sentimental glass balls of no symbolic colors. Mangers and Menorahs are out. Stars are probably ok. As for as I can tell, atheists do not deny stars ("they are enormous burning fireballs scattered across the universe! Your gold plastic five-cornered statue could never symbolize that! Away with your quasi-religious sensibilities!").

Be sure to give gifts to the atheists in your life. They should be wrapped in paper with nothing descriptive on it. Perhaps a brown paper bag will do, as long as it is not the seasonal brown paper bags provided by some less ecumenical grocery stores this time of year. Be sure to write seasons greetings on it, and avoid the subject of why you gave the gift in the first place.

All public buildings should remain open on December 25th. I'm sure atheists would be willing to staff them. Saturday and Sunday too.