Germany's Next Top President!

Everyone back home in the good ol' USA is on the edge of their seats, watching the state by state results of the presidential primaries, but here in Germany, we've got some presidential problems of our own. The Republican candidates are going out of the way besmirch the President's and each others' credibility, dragging each other through the pigsty of dirty politics, half truths, contradictions and comparisons to a horrible-sounding place called Europe. Meanwhile, Germany's own President has jumped in the mud himself, and the media is piling it on.

Now, wait, you might say - isn't Germany's President that yellow-haired woman who keeps dragging her feet every time it's time to bail out a Mediterranean country? Nope! That's actually Germany's Chancellor, and she's the one with the real power. Germany's President is more of a Ceremonial figure-Head of State who gets to make speeches and sign legislation. The current President is one Christian Wulff, who, while governor of one of Germany's states, evidently accepted a cheap loan from a friend. A bit slimy, but slimier still when he threatened the Bildzeitung with "war" should they publish the story. This enraged the rest of the media so much that they united in calling for his head and focused their esteemed pages on the President instead of more important things, like the possible economic collapse of the Eurozone and play-by-play reports of "Jungle Camp," a c-celebrity, eye-candy reality TV show (ok, at least they saved room for that). Thus, if the German media get their way, Wulff will admit that he is no longer honorable enough to hold the post and step down.

The question, of course, is who would fill the vacancy. Well, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages and socioeconomic backgrounds, I am happy to announce my candidacy! With your help (especially if you happen to be part of the Federal Commission), I'll be the most honorable President the Federal Republic of Germany has ever seen. I look forward to being a figurehead - smiling, signing things, giving speeches and taking people to lunch while everyone else works to keep the Euro from unraveling. It's a tough job, but, as they say, somebody's gotta do it.

Now, let's discuss my qualifications:

1. Great hair - Thanks to my Italian barber, my hair is both honorable and presidential. 
2. Speeches - I give great speeches. For evidence of this, let me submit my "Toast to the Lassies," which I gave at my Scottish friend's Robert Burns Supper. 
3. Political openness - I will happily represent whichever honorable party chooses to nominate me, and take their advice in choosing judges and things like that (Again, I'm much better at the ceremonial parts of the position. I'll leave the important parts of the job, especially if it requires research, to my staff). The phrase "honorable party" excludes both the extreme right and the extreme left. However, I look great in black, red, yellow, green or pirate. (Herr Kretschmann, rufen Sie mich an - ich habe Zeit!) 
4. Experience with Foreign Dignitaries - The Federal President has an important role in welcoming dignitaries before they get down to business with Madame Chancellor. Hey, that's exactly what I did during my internship in DC! Score! 

Now, I anticipate some drawbacks. You might be saying, "Um, Mr. Un Till, the Federal President must be German and older than 40. You are neither." Well, let me respond to these uncivil accusations. 

First, let me address the age thing. Yes, it's true, I am not yet "over the hill" as they say. But, having a child has aged me at least ten years. Now that I'm a dad, I go to bed early, wake up early and avoid fast food. Moreover, I've become irritable, especially after 8:30pm. I've never listened to Justin Bieber, Katy Perry or Bon Iver, and I think most of the new technology out there, what with the fancy touch screens and portable readers and Facebook timelines, is strange and intimidating. I may not have a gray hair on my pretty little head, but trust me when I write this: I am old at heart. 

Now, the citizenship thing is a bit more complicated. But I did have a German (though a big part Estonian) Gramma, and I'm married to a German girl and I have a half-German daughter. In any case, this is another good reason for the German and American governments to follow the Economist's advice and and allow me to have two passports. 

So, what do you think? Will you join my campaign to restore honor to the Presidency?

Two questions - I realize one of the perks is a mansion in Berlin, but my wife is a Swabian, and from what I've read, her kind is not welcome there. Can we move things to Stuttgart?

Second, how's the pay?