The Procrastination GPS

Most technology is designed to make work and life more efficient. But let's face it - we don't always want more efficiency; there are things in life we'd just as soon put off. Where is the market for those of us who want to avoid uncomfortable engagements, escape boring work, and dodge unappetising people? Sure, technology lets us procrastinate by goofing off on social media, playing Candy Crush, or writing silly blogs. But, as the driverless revolution hasn't happened yet, you can't (or shouldn't!) do these things in the car.

That's why I propose that GPS devices have a procrastination function. Here's the vision:

Have an office meeting you'd prefer to avoid? Have a date that you wish you hadn't said yes to? Forced to shop at IKEA? Want 26 more minutes of peace before you have to pick up the kids? Might you AGAIN run into that American guy who thinks he has something intelligent to say about life in Germany? The technology is there to help you avoid confrontation. You can be passive-aggressive without actually being accused of being passive-aggressive!

Simply hop into the car and press the procrastination button on your GPS (conveniently labelled "quickest route" - wink wink). This will guarantee the longest possible way to your destination while making it seem to anyone tracking your movement that you are making progress. It will take you to side streets, alleys, country roads, and those long driveways that lead to cow barns, tangling your route until that uncomfortable meeting is adjourned. The procrastination GPS will lead you along roads with minimal mobile phone functionality, and, should an accident or construction site cause a spontaneous traffic jam, this wonderful device will guide you to it. It will also have a soothing voice that says things like, "you could use another coffee, couldn't you?" or "I know a place where gas is really cheap!" or "how about a massage?" or "did you leave the toaster on?"

The procrastination GPS comes standard with three audio books as well as MP3s of the 10 most popular episodes of This American Life. It can easily be transferred to your Smart Phone should you have to walk or use public transportation. (Train 133 has a two hour delay! Don't forget to buy a magazine!)

So don't wait. Let's make a GPS device for all of us who would rather put something off. Otherwise, we'll be forced to pull over and play Candy Crush at the Rest Stop.

Pumpkin Spice Latte Recipe

So, I'm quite content here in the land of beer and spreadable meat, but I note that my American friends, though they haven't yet traded their flip flops for college hoodies, are indulging in pumpkin spice lattes. I never knew summer was one of those things people want to end early. Don't worry, the Germans will wear their lederhosen and sandals (albeit with socks) through the end of Oktoberfest.

I, too, have tried the famed pumpkin spice latte. Based on what I've tasted, I think I've come up with the recipe.

For a grande sized pumpkin spiced latte:
One teaspoon of extra-sweetened pumpkin pie filling
Eleven teaspoons of bleached white sugar
Twelve tablespoons of the brown, granular sugar that comes in brown packaging that makes you feel bio-cultural-superior for using it
Three coffee beans, ground
Two cups of cream
Three cups of brown sugar
Six cubes of caramel
Six sugar cubes
Pumpkin spice mix (a pinch of cinnamon, a pinch of ground ginger, nutmeg, cloves, and seventeen teaspoons of sugar, mixed)
One package of condensed milk, sweetened
Two tablespoons of maple syrup
A generous dollop of whipped cream

So enjoy your pumpkin spice latte. Your dentist will thank you.