Pumpkin Spice Latte Recipe

So, I'm quite content here in the land of beer and spreadable meat, but I note that my American friends, though they haven't yet traded their flip flops for college hoodies, are indulging in pumpkin spice lattes. I never knew summer was one of those things people want to end early. Don't worry, the Germans will wear their lederhosen and sandals (albeit with socks) through the end of Oktoberfest.

I, too, have tried the famed pumpkin spice latte. Based on what I've tasted, I think I've come up with the recipe.

For a grande sized pumpkin spiced latte:
One teaspoon of extra-sweetened pumpkin pie filling
Eleven teaspoons of bleached white sugar
Twelve tablespoons of the brown, granular sugar that comes in brown packaging that makes you feel bio-cultural-superior for using it
Three coffee beans, ground
Two cups of cream
Three cups of brown sugar
Six cubes of caramel
Six sugar cubes
Pumpkin spice mix (a pinch of cinnamon, a pinch of ground ginger, nutmeg, cloves, and seventeen teaspoons of sugar, mixed)
One package of condensed milk, sweetened
Two tablespoons of maple syrup
A generous dollop of whipped cream

So enjoy your pumpkin spice latte. Your dentist will thank you.