Kicking It With the Bundesliga

After waiting at least a month and a half, German soccer is back! That's right, as I write this, defending champions Dortmund are trying to score goals against Hamburg in the opening game of the Bundesliga season (updated - Dortmund dominated 3:1). Now, you might be thinking, why should I care about the Bundesliga? Your thoughts could run something along the line of "wait, aren't the sexiest soccer teams and most tabloid-ready stars in England and Spain?" Or you might be thinking, "aren't I an American, programmed to think that any sport without hitting, either people hitting each other or people hitting a ball with a blunt object, is uncivilized?"

Well, let me make a few points in favor of the Bundesliga before giving you a whistle-stop tour of the league. I've already argued in favor of soccer in general, so let me say that I like hard, clean hits that don't lead from the helmet as much as the next guy, but there's a reason the rest of the world likes soccer. As for the Bundesliga itself, yes, it does lack the star power of the English and Spanish leagues (and Italian, depending on the year), but I would argue (admitting my strong German bias) that it's the most interesting major soccer league. First, there have been four different champions in the past five years. In England, Spain and Italy, you really only have two to choose from. Yes, Bayern Munich is a perennial frontrunner, but what exciting league doesn't have that? Besides, I get the impression that in England in particular, folks (or at least the media) are more interested in the running soap opera of the business of soccer than the game itself. Oh, and one more thing. As ESPN's Uli Hesse (the best Bundesliga commentary in English and one of my favorite sports columnist all around) explains at the end of every season, the Bundesliga teams score more goals per game than any other important league.

Ok, so now that you're convinced, here are some teams to keep an eye on (Fair warning, I will be mixing sports analogies and metaphors to help an American reader understand the league):

1. Borussia Dortmund: The defending champs are one of the most sympathetic and beloved teams in Germany. The teams from the "Ruhrgebiet," mining and industry cities in northwest Germany, are where many of the traditional soccer teams and "real" fans reside, and Dortmund is their flagship. The Ruhrgebiet is what the Great Lakes region is to the NFL, and Dortmund, wearing black and gold, traditional success and national sympathy are Germany's Pittsburgh Steelers. They have two flaws. Last year, they were terrible at penalty kicks, which could come back to bite them in international competition (the top three, this year, four, teams go to the Champions League and compete against other European teams), and their poc-a-dot uniforms were clearly the results of a Middle School art project.
   
2. Schalke 04: Schalke, another great Ruhrgebiet team from the city of Gelsenkirchen, is Dortmund's arch rival. Their cities are so close together, and the rivalry is one of the best in the world's (think Army-Navy, Chicago-Green Bay, Giants-Dodgers before California). Unlike their enemy, Schalke has never managed to win a Bundesliga title. Their biggest success was winning the UEFA cup a long time ago, which is like saying your college won the NIT in the 90s. This run of almost-success makes them the pre-1994 Boston Red Sox of the Bundesliga. They had a rough time of it last year, but did win the German cup and were decent in the Champions league before getting knocked around by Manchester United. At the end of the season, after despondently watching Dortmund hoist the Bundesliga trophy (which would make a great tray to serve deviled eggs), they lost their world-class and German #1 goalkeeper Manuel Neuer to the following team.
3. FC Bayern Munich. Bayern buys superstar soccer players, hogs media attention, considers 2nd place a bad season and has won more Bundesliga titles than any other team. In this, they embody the collective spirit of the Yankees, Cowboys, Lakers and Fighting Irish. So many Germans hate them, yet walk around a random German town on any given day and you'll see about a dozen Bayern jerseys. After their disastrous 3rd place finish last year (the year before, they won the Bundesliga, the German cup, and lost to Inter Milan in the Champions League final) they bought a new coach and several new superstars to even out their already eye-popping line up. If you watched the World Cup, where the Germans ran circles around every non-Spanish team they faced (ok, they fell asleep against Serbia, but that didn't matter in the end), than you've seen most of what Bayern has to offer, including the wonderfully named Bastian Schweinsteiger and the young starlet Thomas Mueller. Their foreign star-power is great as well - in the rare occasion that both stars are healthy, the Frenchman Frank Ribery and the Dutchman Arjen Robben (the World Cup's worst flopper, but a spectacular footballer nonetheless) make perhaps the most dangerous winger combination in the world.
   
4. VFL Wolfsburg: I gave the English a hard time for their soap opera approach to soccer, but Wolfsburg coach Felix Magath is Germany's guilty pleasure. Whether getting fired, getting rehired, winning championships or fighting with players, the former Bayern and Schalke coach turns heads like car accident. The sports how I watched last night gave un-fancied Wolfsburg much more attention than it deserved simply because everyone wants to see what Magath will do next.
   
5. Hamburger SV: Hamburg is one of the oldest, traditional and beloved soccer teams in Germany. So much so, that some post-Christian, sports-crazy fans took the next logical step: they built a cemetery for soccer fans. They were mediocre last season and are currently getting thumped by Dortmund, so their fans might want to consider dying during a season when they can afford some better players (and reconsidering their priorities in general).
   
6. Hannover 96: Hannover is rarely a good team, but they were last season's big surprise with a 4th place finish. Also, American fans should pay attention, because they are captained by Steve Cherundolo, who, evidently, is the only American outside defender capable of taking on a Mexican striker (prove me wrong, Klinsi).
7. Baden vs. Wuerttemberg: Ok, I'm in a bit of a bind as to who I should root for. You see, soccer is angry regionalism in Germany, and the big rivalries are often between different tribes of Germany. I was introduced to the Bundesliga in Freiburg, Germany's answer to Portland, in the solar-powered stadium of this rarely-good but scrappy and appealing team. Freiburg is in the region called Baden, where the ancient Badische tribe of Germans live. However, I married a Swabian, and currently live in the area of VfB Stuttgart - a traditional club who won the Bundesliga several years ago. The Swabians are the Badens' arch-rival tribe, and Freiburg and Stuttgart are rival teams. So, Freiburg is my first love, but I'm surrounded by VfB fever, and hope to get to a game or two this season. I'd like to root for both, but that's like rooting for both Florida State and that team Tim Tebow used to play for (name escapes me...). Thoughts? I can't serve two masters, but can I root for two rival Bundesliga teams?