Surviving the German Winter Part II: Play in the Snow

This is part II of a four-part series on surviving the German winter. You can read part I here. 

Once the snow comes, the kids naturally want to play in it. My daughter has seen enough Christmas specials to know that as soon as the ground is white, all the neighborhood kids burst out the front doors, armed with sleds and cherry-red mittens. They make enormous snowmen with pipes and coal for eyes (I have never seen a three year old walking around with a pipe and and two lumps of coal, though I guess that's what they all did in the 50s when the Christmas specials were filmed) and toboggan down enormous hills. These are my memories as well. What I don't remember is the battle Armageddon my mother must have went though just to get three kids dressed for the winter. I'm struggling with just one.

It takes about seven and a half hours to dress your average three year for snow. Five of those is just getting her little fingers into those friggin mittens, but the rest consists of several pairs of tights, wooly socks over thins socks, hats not truly designed for children, water-resistant snow pants with zippers to bleed your fingers and the most incomprehensible pair of snow boots in the world (they look so simple, then you try to put her feet in them). Once my daughter is wearing enough layers that I could safely roll her down a mountain with a sled (don't worry, haven't tried it, no plans to), she removes her scarf from her lips and announces that she has to go potty.

With this news in mind, I teach my daughter three choice curse words, and frantically unbutton and unzip enough for her to do her business at the proper way in the proper place. By the time everything's ready to go, of course she's already soiled herself. I can now only sigh and check which of her many layers are salvageable and which need to go directly to laundry. My daughter, then, sees her shadow in the bathroom light and declares six more weeks of potty training. Or, I could just remember to let her empty herself before we hit the sleds.

Of course, we've managed to go out in the snow a couple times this winter. It's fun - watching a little girl discover how snow crunches under her little boot is a reminder of all that is good about life. But it only takes a couple of snowfalls to crush a few of your idyllic snow scenes, and this has much to do with the nature of snow itself. You really can't have it all. Snow that is powdery and good for sledding is rubbish for snowmen, and wet, heavy snow ain't up to snuff when it comes for sledding. The snow is the great decider of your activities, even as your daughter is screaming "I WANNA BUILD A SNOWMAAANNNNNN!!!" Nope! We're going sledding, darlin'! This is after we built a snowman that looked more like a six-inch dollop of whipped cream. Just like in the commercials.

Surviving the German Winter Part I: Salt it. Salt it Good.

I came back suntanned and smiling from my Christmas vacation only to find Germany suffering under a plague of fog and gray. This happens every year, but I tried not to think about it when I was cycling around the big lake near my parents' Orlando residence. A few weeks later, we're adjusting, and as a brave, experienced winter warrior (with icicles hanging from my beard as my huskies struggle to pull textbooks over the Swabian Alb), I feel it my duty to offer the following survival advice for sun-stroked southerners. This is the first in a four part series on surviving the German winter.

When the winter comes, the Germans salt it, and salt it good. I used to live in the Washington  DC area,  and no one bothers salting anything until at least two blissful snow days pass and everything from the local schools to the national government shuts down. This annoyed the hearty northerners, who see snow as an invitation to the office, but for the rest of us, well, hello snowball fight! In this part of the world, there's no difference between work day and snow day. I awoke one morning after it had snowed through the night only to see streets and bike lanes so clear, you'd think the Red Baron had flown over Plochingen in a salt-shooting crop duster. Well, no, that's not how it really happens (unfortunately). As soon as potential snow is reported, salt truck swat teams are deployed all over the nation. They are the salt of the earth, and if the earth loses its saltiness, all the Daimlers slide into the Neckar River causing world-wide economic inefficiency, which is the worst possible thing that could happen. Also, since the cyclists here aren't the kind of Warmduschers who use sub-zero temperatures as an excuse to sit by the heater, the city is kind enough to salt most of the bike lanes as well. Warmduscher literally means "warm showerer" but really means wussypants. In Germany, you're a wussypants if you waste valuable energy resources by heating water to wash yourself.

However, the state doesn't salt most of the sidewalks. That it leaves to the power of collective legal coercion. Back home in the USA, you can spill hot coffee on yourself and and sue McDonald's for millions. In Germany, the quickest way to get rich is to slip on the ice in front of some irresponsible person's (likely, a foreigner) house who failed to salt and shovel before sunrise. Thus, every snow day at 6 AM, Germans of all ages can be seen working like ants to de-ice the sidewalk in front of their house with the harried look we all get when thinking about potential lawsuits.

Even as this excess of salt turns the average snow-on-the-street into a grayish sludge, the snow on the roofs and mountains remains exquisite.  In my sunny Christmas post, I joked about preferring a sunny Christmas to a white one, but a good blanket of snow is better than pretty much any other winter weather north of the Mediterranean. You see, for this southern expat, the worst part of winter has nothing to do cold or ice or frost, but everything to do with the darkness. The sun barely bothers to rise this far north and usually wears gray clouds like a dull fur coat. The lack of light turns the world pale and bleak and lonely. This is worst when combined with that weather we now call "wintry mix." The clouds spew this horrid precipitation that's somewhere between rain and snow and sleet and spit. Temperature and water particles combine as if the heavens are mocking the lack of commitment so pervasive in my generation.

Snow, though on colder days, gives winter a surprising warmth. The mountains and the rooftops are frosted white, and each snowflake works together to catch whatever light their is and reflect heavenward, reminding every pilgrim that in the darkness the sun still exists, and spring will be here soon enough. Let it snow.

The 2012 Holiday Movies: A Nostalgic Look Back

I saw five films this Yuletide season, and to my surprise, I liked them all. This could mean that getting older, living in Germany, wanting to impress people, or writing a blog have not yet managed to make me a proper critical curmudgeon, though I'm reeeeally trying (see below). Still, no one wants pay for a movie they don't like, and I'm almost afraid to see another one lest I break the streak. Here are a few thoughts on the movies, in the order in which I saw them.

Skyfall - At this point, it shouldn't be a spoiler that the latest 007 is setting up a reboot - reintroducing old characters, killing off another old one. I don't mind. The only part I minded so much was the "getting-shot-off-a-moving-train-into-a-river-but-still-surviving" part that was pushing it, even by Bond standards. But a big part of the fun is always watching how they re-brand this product of the Cold War to fit into the modern era and still maintain the spirit of 007. I'm curious how the next installments will handle the resurrected Moneypenny (Mark Steyn has an interesting essay on the old one and the actress who played her). Like every Bond film, there was plenty of booze, women, travel, chases, fights and villains - Javier Bardem combined the slimy, the ruthless and the genius archetypes into one - so much so that he doesn't need a memorable sidekick like Oddjob. Action and food for thought.

Cloud Atlas - I hate saying how much fun I had at this movie. I hate admitting that I was giddy as a hyena juggling the plots, actors, times, directors and gobs of race-bending makeup. I hate it. I hate it because all the cool people, by which I mean the critics at intellectual, left-leaning websites and radio stations hated the film. And I want to fit in with the cool kids. It's probably because I haven't read David Mitchell's book just yet (I got it for Christmas, though it's an edition with a movie poster for a cover, which also embarrasses me). I came in with a blank slate and remained engrossed  from start to finish. I was warned I'd get lost the first time, but even watching it dubbed in German, I had no problem following. There was fun aplenty just watching where the characters show up (Hugh Grant as a tribal chieftain in a post-apocalyptic future!), and I thought the plots, past and future, weaved together nicely. My favorite plot is the adventure of Somni 451 in Neo Seoul - Doona Bae is excellent. Maybe I'll hate the film after I've read the book. But I'll probably still hate the fact that I love the film so much.

Lincoln - I love Lincoln the more I think about it. I was still fighting off holiday jetlag when I saw it back in the USA, and between then and now, I read my father's copy of Team of Rivals by Doris Kearns Goodwin, the film's principle source. There's a cynicism, brewed in anyone who reads too much Internet or lives in Germany, about any hero type, especially a historical hero type, that nobody can be so good, that there's some clever person out there to deconstruct our hero so we might as well prepare ourselves for disappointment. Yet Lincoln, freely willing to deconstruct himself, still stands as a real American hero. Not a military man, no formal education, and not even the most progressive of his day on the issues of race and slavery, yet he was the one who had the fortitude to preserve the union, free the slaves and, according to Goodwin's accounts, managed to treat those around him with dignity. I wish I had these honest Abe traits - a real genius who managed to like and respect those around him, even those you'd forgive him for hating. Thus, Spielberg's saintly portrayal is not Hollywood sentimentality but something good and right, and I can't wait to see the film a second time. The New Yorker's review makes this point: "The movie itself feels alive with disquiet, torn between its duty to tell an earthly, complex tale and - as so often with Spielberg - the urge to break free and rise to the realm of myth." The more I think about Lincoln the man, the more I can relate. A few more scattered thoughts - add my thanks to all of those thanking Spielberg and his writer, Tony Kushner, for focusing on a small sliver of Lincoln's life rather than shooting another bloody biopic. Nonetheless, the film doesn't forget to deftly include Lincoln's family dynamics, and I thought Sally Field was great as Mary Todd. Some of the best scenes were from their stormy, loving marriage. Oh, and, you got to love anyone who can tell a funny story in the middle of a crisis. By the way, should anyone other than Daniel Day Lewis be nominated for best actor? ... Nah, I don't think so either.

Argo - My second dose of American history and a small, exciting, redemptive story out of the 1970 Iran hostage crisis. Credit to director Affleck for not white-washing America's role in the mess that Iran became (the opening history lesson makes this very clear) while still nurturing our natural sympathies for the hostages whose lives were in real danger. A small thing - it was fun to see John Goodman as Hollywood make-up artist John Chambers. John Goodman always makes his films better.

The Hobbit - Unlike Cloud Atlas, I have no trouble admitting how much I loved the film. I am a JRR Tolkien lover, but I'm not enough of a nerd to have ready all of the notes and encyclopedias and extra stuff (though I did get the painting Calendars through college). So for the most part, I know where Peter Jackson varied from the original text in his expanded and stretched out film, and the only thing that really bothered me was the (spoiler, but honestly...) a forced redemption scene at the end where Bilbo, in classic Peter Jackson slow motion, saves Thorin Oakenshield's life. A big part of the story is Bilbo finally earning Thorin's respect, but did they really need to create a forced, magic moment out of nowhere? But other than that, good times all around. I particularly loved how he made Thorin so compelling. And of course, it's great watching Jackson's imagination come to life and comparing it with your own. Whatever the real fans pick at, Peter Jackson knows how to speak to that little boy in me playing with dinosaurs and action figures on the kitchen counter twenty some years ago. When Peter Jackson remade King Kong, I remember hearing a commentator complaining about how he left out the social and racial commentary of the first film. I'm sure a better movie wouldn't have done so. But he did produce a scene where King Kong fights a Tyrannosaurus Rex - a scene I had acted out in my little imagination so many times. My adult, pseudo-critic wasn't satisfied, but the little boy thought, "now THAT was cool."

So, my holiday movies. I haven't seen the other notables, such as Anna Karenina, Django Unchained, Life of Pi, Zero Dark Thirty, or a certain musical based on my favorite novel, and no promises on those for various reasons. But Tinseltown had a nice Christmas, didn't it? What were your favorite movies?

Back in the US of A

My daughter must think Florida is a tropical Christmas land. We harked the herald in the Sunshine State last year, and we're back again, novelty German presents in tow for another round of palm tree cheer. The same houses on my parents street have the exact same decorations around their palm trees. Yup, my daughter has no proof that Florida ever removes its Christmas kitsch. Come to think about it, neither do I.

As I write this, Germany's under a blanket of snow and will likely remain that way through the Yuletide season. We, however, spent the day on a beach just north of Naples, Florida, worrying about getting sunburned. Sure, I know you're supposed to dream of a white Christmas. Anyone who has lived in Florida for more than three years might dream of a white Christmas until they actually (re)experience one. Then they realize that snow never shows up without cold and darkness and then "In the Bleak Midwinter" becomes the appropriate carol. Enjoy your hot cocoa folks, but I'm happy to pop open a cold one while soaking up the vitamin D this December. "Snow on snow on snoooowwwwww....."

Of course, coming back to America is a reminder of the things I miss and don't miss. Here are some back-in-the-US-of-A observations, in no special order:

1. Patriotism - "the American flag!" squeals my daughter from the back seat of the car at pretty much every traffic light. Now, I'm doing my duty to teach her to wave the flag and smile (She's not quite old enough for the "Fifty Nifty" song, but she'll get there. If you don't know what the "Fifty Nifty" song is, ask your American friend), but sometimes you forget how much patriotism you can fit in a square block. The used car lots are surrounded by so many flags you'd think the bones of some hallowed president were buried under the Toyota Tundras. Of course, I was proudly patriotic when I went to see Lincoln. When I found out about the film a couple months ago, most of my German friends gave me strange looks when I got all giddy. I loved the film (Daniel Day Lewis is worth the price of admission), though something in me, planted by almost two years on European soil, rebelled in silent protest whenever the film became too sentimental. 
2. Trader Joe's - It's good to see you Trader Joe's. Thank you for opening in Florida just down the street from our little vacation condo. The chips, salsa, bean dip, peanut butter, and various American craft beers were just like old times. Of course, this time around I'm less impressed with the fact that you have Rittersport. 
3. Fashion - Everyone knows day-to-day American fashion is more casual than day-to-day European, but it's always a small culture shock when you actually see it, and I come from a part of Germany that's not exactly a world fashion capital. But wow, it's Christmas and the gym clothes are out! You can't waive an American flag without hitting someone in yoga pants, gym shorts or tights. Speaking of tights, I had the strange experience of being startled by body openness coming back from Europe. Somehow, between the time I left two years ago and Advent 2012, tights transformed from something women wore under skirts to an appropriate trousers alternative. Walking through the Atlanta airport, I thought that I had stumbled into the locker room at the local ballet. The times they are a'changin'. In any case, I take full advantage of America's casual attitude combined with Florida's pleasant weather. No, I'm not ready for tights yet (unless I'm running in the winter time) - I still feel a continental need to wear something that requires a belt when I go anywhere. But man, hello flip flops! I wear them in Germany too, though I get judgmental stares in the supermarket, because in Germany sandals combined with socks, are indoor-only attire. But flip flops are to Floridians what leather loafers are to Italians. Wear them all the time. Do you feel that breeze, feet? This is America. This is Florida. This is freedom. 
4. Plastic bags - Good gravy, America, do we really need to use so many plastic bags!? If we stacked up the plastic bags we've used since Thanksgiving we could probably get back to the moon. The lady at Target will double your plastic bag if you buy a pack of gum. The Germans have the good sense to charge for them. Everyone goes to the store armed with baskets and cloth bags, not just the types who pack their NPR totes with arugula. I remember when a plastic bag tax was introduced in DC  - people cried out as if they were being forced to go to the dentist. But it seems to have worked. Let's cut back, folks. 
5. Southern hospitality - Southern hospitality, oh I've missed you. I didn't even realize how much I missed you. We all love to feel welcome, but as a parent, you hope for a special place in heaven for those who welcome your child. This was especially true when we touched down in Atlanta to hit customs before our connecting flight to Orlando. Few people are happy to see a child in an airport, but the Atlanta airport staffers delighted at the sight of a tired, curly-haired almost-3-year old in our umbrella stroller. I near' thought they were going to invite us in for a glass of sweet tea. And it wasn't the whole smile-with-your-mouth-not-your-eyes plastic hospitality you sometimes get. The good folks in the ATL were happy to see us. We felt welcomed. 

The New Saturdays Mornings

Waiting in line at the post office a few years ago brought about this reflection on Saturday mornings. I, content and well-rested after sleeping in, reading unbothered and eating my wife's apple-cinnamon pancakes stood in front of a beautiful and exhausted young mother. Married and waiting for children, I knew my idyllic Saturday mornings were numbered. Now, a father of an almost-three year old, Saturdays are no longer us time. My wife and I can no longer enjoy the executive breakfast or the lazy reading and comfort coffee and all the other Saturday pleasures afforded to young married couples. Parenting is a great job; it's the best job I've ever had, but you don't get to take a day off for a well-deserved sabbath.

My new Saturday mornings run like this. My daughter's noises wake my wife up. The noises could be singing, crying, talking, laughing, grunting, coughing or any combination thereof, but my wife wakes up. My wife sleeps like a soldier - any small noise and she is up and ready for action. I'm glad she's not the kind to keep a gun under her pillow, or else I'd get shot in the ribs every time I needed to use the toilet at night. The noises can come at any point between 7 and 8:30 AM, the later the more merciful. My wife rouses me with an elbow and a whisper of "Schatz," which in this context is German for "darling." I wake up, fumble with whatever clothes I can find and exit the bedroom stage right. I let my wife go back to sleep. Saturday morning is her turn.

I go to my daughter. She's usually happy to see me, though sometimes she protests, "Mama! NOT Papa!" "Sorry kid, you're stuck with me." is my response. I pick her up.

***

What follows is a philosophical discussion about the potty. My more progressive argument is that big girls, including all the cool kids in her future kindergarten, go pee pee on the potty. The potty is the future, and even though I'll still love her if she's wearing diapers during her drivers' test, it is good and just and right to take the porcelain splash. It's well worth pointing out, I continue, that those who use the potty are often rewarded with gummy bears. My daughter's arguments are more agrarian, a kind of curmudgeonly conservationism suspicious of change and newfangled technology. While she has successfully tried and used the potty, she doesn't think the evidence for permanent change is very compelling. The diaper has served her well for almost three years, keeping leaks at a minimum and promoting a lifestyle where nothing need be interrupted just because nature calls. Indeed, if more adults wore diapers, then economic productivity would increase as toilet breaks decrease. And isn't the toilet break just one more staple of the lazy, anti-capitalist worker? In the same way, my daughter can continue coloring, playing with her dolls or watching "Baby Praise" without that unproductive walk down the hall. In any case, the toilet is cruelly cold, especially in morning.

***

After setting a livid toddler on the toilet with a 50% chance of achieving the desired result, we move to our living/dining room. She scampers to her toys and I take a dreary walk to the kitchen. Any walk I take in the morning is dreary until I have my coffee. I make coffee. While the coffee drips, I put my daughter's oat meal in the microwave, grate an apple to put over the oatmeal, pour her milk, take out two pieces of bread, put it on a plate, spread some delicious German spreadable over it (either creamy honey or creamy meat), put a mandarin orange next to the bread. The coffee is finished. I pour my coffee, pour some more milk over her oatmeal and voela! breakfast for two is served. Restaurant quality multitasking.

After putting the appropriate plates in the appropriate places, I pick me daughter up to bring her to her seat. She then erupts in a declaration of independence. After all, she can climb into her chair by herself. I let her do so. While we eat, I pop open the laptop. Now I know some of you are judging. The laptop at the table is against all conventional parenting wisdom. Screens distract from loving attention, and technology is harmful to child development. Technology should be kept away from the child until it is able to grow its own cucumbers and spear its own fish in the river. And besides, I'm a terrible example. Let me respond. First, I still engage my daughter. I really do. Second, we always eat a computer free family lunch in traditional German fashion, as well as an evening bread. And third, who doesn't read the newspaper at breakfast? I just don't have a paper version.

Breakfast is finished. I push my daughter's stool back so she can get down by herself. Any of the following could happen: reading a children's book, listening to a children's CD, drawing on the doodle board or putting a farm-based puzzle together. Personally, I'd rather keep reading the screen, like in the old days. At the couch, or at the table or (in nice weather) out on the balcony. Often, she plays, and I get to read. But then, I feel a little hand tap my knee. Time to close the laptop or the the book. Her turn. Whichever book is on. "Curious George?" "Mickey Mouse?" "Little People?" "ABC?" "Jesus?" She usually asks regarding on her mood - usually a particular book stays her favorite for about three weeks or so, and comes back again after a few months. But I read. I reluctantly put aside my selfish pleasure of a morning built around me. Not that there's anything wrong with that, when no one else is there. But love is a less-accessible pleasure. Close the macbook, the newspaper or the book. Put the child on the lap, read the book for the thousands time. The annoyance gives way to a certain joy that's stronger in memory, but always there. I give the characters voices, she tells me what's in the pictures. Love and love. Coffee helps.

Two Kinds of Sin in "Perfume"

It's hard to want to read anything else after reading a superb novel. I sit, outside on the balcony, inside a train on the way to work, knowing another world awaits if I could just move on start reading the first book on the pile. And I do, and I'm always happy I did. But that great novel leaves behind a little mist that leaves everything else hard to see. I just keep thinking of them.

Patrick Süskind's Perfume: The Story of a Murderer, gruesome as it is, was the most recent "great novel" on my list. It's the first great novel I've read entirely in the German language. I read translations of Kafka and others in college and I've practice my language with the German versions of fun Swedish thrillers, but I haven't read anything that you could call great literature auf Deutsch, and the fact that I read and understood  Perfume was an encouragement of my own language ability. It's beautifully written - even to my second-language ears - still dark and disturbing yet strangely human. If you haven't read it, let me say that it's well worth it (though, again, gruesome). Oh, and if you haven't read it, then maybe you shouldn't read the following paragraphs. One of the novels pleasures is its unpredictability, and there are spoilers ahead.

In a book about brutal serial killer with an extraordinary sense of smell, it's a credit to Süskind's writing that I came away feeling more philosophical than disturbed. There's a lot in the text I could talk about, but I want to mention how Jean-Baptiste Grenouille's villainy reminds me of something C.S. Lewis points out in Mere Christianity.

Grenouille's first victim is a girl who's smell he simply wants to possess. Her exquisite smell conquers him and he kills her. The scene reminds me of a pit bull attacking a two-week old kitten. It turns him into an animal. But later in the book he becomes something worse. As he realizes what kind of power scent has over a person, he decides to combine the best human smells, which are evidently only possessed by pretty girls. Then, methodical and sinister, he murders 25 of them and steals their scent. Why does he want this master perfume? He wants to be loved and adored by all, and he knows the perfect smell could manipulate this adoration. His animal desire leads to a heinous act; his pride leads to 25 more. Here's what Lewis writes:

You may remember, when I was talking about sexual morality, I warned you that the centre of Christian morals did not lie there. Well, now, we have come to the centre. According to Christian teachers, the essential vice, the utmost evil, is Pride. Unchastity, anger, greed, drunkenness, and all that, are mere fleabites in comparison: it was through Pride that the devil became the devil: Pride leads to every other vice: it is the complete anti-God state of mind.

Later in the same chapter:

It is a terrible thing that the worst of all the vices can smuggle itself into the very centre of our religious life. But you can see why. The other, and less bad, vices come from the devil working on us through our animal nature. But this does not come through our animal nature at all. It comes direct from Hell. It is purely spiritual: consequently it is far more subtle and deadly. For the same reason, Pride can often be used to beat down the simpler vices. Teachers, in fact, often appeal to a boy's Pride, or, as they call it, his self-respect, to make him behave decently: many a man has overcome cowardice, or lust, or ill-temper, by learning to think that they are beneath his dignity - that is, by Pride. The devil laughs. He is perfectly content to see you becoming chaste and brave and self-controlled provided, all the time, he is setting up in you the Dictatorship of Pride - just as he would be quite content to see your chilblains cured if he was allowed, in return, to give you cancer. For Pride is spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment, or even common sense.

You can read the whole chapter here. I'm quoting this out of order, but here is one more point Lewis makes:

In God you come up against something which is in every respect immeasurably superior to yourself. Unless you know God as that - and, therefore, know yourself as nothing in comparison - you do not know God at all. As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.

I have no idea if Süskind considered such religious language when creating his antihero, but it's interesting to note how Grenouille always looks inward and never up.

Parenting Tip: Give Your Child Choices

After over two-and-a-half years of parenting, I feel I'm qualified to give a few tips out to all the struggling parents out there. I don't do this too often, lest I come across as immodest, but mercy compels me to speak every once in awhile.

My father told me (and he might have gotten this from Bill Cosby, but I'm not sure) that when it comes to kids, it's good to give them choices, but in such a way that they make the right choice. This way, the child is convinced to do the right thing without going through the stubbornness struggle that comes with simply issuing an unpopular order.

For example, when it's time to take a nap, I tell my two-your-old daughter: "Daughter, do you want to take you nap, or do you want to go to the doctor's and get a shot?"

When it's time to take her home from a beloved friend or Oma's house or anywhere else that's new and fun, I say, "Do you want to go home, or would you rather go to the doctor's and get a shot?"

Bath time? "Get in the tub! Unless, that is, you'd rather go to the doctor's and get a shot."

Finicky eater? "You can either finish your rotkraut or go to the doctor's and get a shot."

And of course, every evening, after lovingly reading her a story and singing a soothing, biblically-themed love-a-bye, I whisper: "It's time to go to bed, darling. Either that, or you can go to the doctor's and get a shot."

Of course, when it's actually time to go to the doctor... well... I let my wife handle that one.